Diva Foundation

What Could You Do for Your Friend When She Has Suffered Sexual Violence

1. BELIEVE HER!
The victims of raping are most afraid of the fact that nobody will believe them or that the act of violence they have suffered will be belittled. Accept what they say, even if the man who is talked about is famous and well liked, even if the woman seems to be confused and unable to put her thoughts in order. She is in shock.

2. LISTEN TO HER! BE AT HER DISPOSAL!
Find a place, where you and the woman to be alone and let her talk. She may not start talking immediately, so be patient. Show her that listening to her at the moment is more important for you than anything else. Let her tell her story when she wants to. During the weeks or months after the raping make the woman believe that you will be at her disposal whenever she needs you.

3. CALM HER!
Try to calm the woman as you console, but not criticize her for her upset. She might want to be cuddled while crying or not to be touched. You should offer tea, a blanket, and a soft toy. It is important for the woman to feel warmth and safety.

4. MAKE HER BELIEVE THAT THE ACT OF RAPING HAS HAPPENED THROUGH NO FAULT OF HERS.
Avoid asking questions that might make her feel guilty ( like “Why wasn’t you screaming?” or “Why did you enter that room?”). Let her tell about her self-accusations, if she wants to, but make her understand that not she, but the violator is the perpetrator of the act of raping.

5. OFFER PROTECTION TO THE VICTIM.
Provide a secure place for the victim, where she could stay and a company, when she decides to go back to her house. If she lives alone, insist that you should stay at least for the first night.

6. SUGGEST THAT SHE SHOULD CALL A SERVICE FOR WOMEN, VICTIMS OF VIOLENCE.
Calling such a Service does not mean that the woman should give a report to the Police. She can contact a trained counselor, who could help her (or her friend) cope with the violent experience. All the visits in such Services or telephone calls on Helplines for supporting women suffered violence, are confidential.

7. TAKE CARE OF HER HEALTH.
Encourage her to see a doctor. She should also see a gynecologist because the violator could have been a carrier of diseases, passed on by sexual contact or he could have got her pregnant. Go to the hospital or the consulting room together with the victim of violence and stay during the medical examination if she wants you to.

8. HELP HER PUT HER THOUGHTS IN ORDER, BUT LET HER DECIDE WHAT TO DO BY HER.
Victims suffered raping need to regain the sense of control over their life. Let them do this. Try to differentiate your attitude towards the violent incident from the best approach to the woman's recovery. If she decides not to report on the crime and you do not agree, make her believe that despite your opinion, you will support her decision.

9. IF YOU ARE AN INTIMATE FRIEND OF HERS, TRY TO RECOVER HER SENSE OF VALUE.
It is important that she has to agree with what you are undertaking! You can show her that your relation is not broken, that you do not consider her "defiled" by gentle touches. Let her decide when your sexual contacts to be resumed.

10. HELP HER RECEIVE PSYCHOLOGICAL AND LEGAL HELP.
Right after the act of raping the woman may not be able to look for help. Do this in her stead. Take her to the Service or institution she wants to go to, look after her children or help her in another way, so that she could go to the Police, to contact a lawyer or a psychologist.

11. LOOK FOR INFORMATION ABOUT THE SYNDROME OF RAPING.
Your friend's recovery will last for a long time, while her moods and reactions will be changing abruptly. Read materials, concerning this topic and discuss them together.

12. IF YOU NEED TO TALK TO SOMEBODY ABOUT THE VIOLENT INCIDENT, THEN SEARCH HELP FOR YOU AS WELL.
You can find support in the Services and on the Telephone Helplines for women who have suffered violence.